Simon Cowell has announced that he will be frozen after death so he can be brought back to life in the future:

Do you believe in reincarnation? If so, be warned. Simon Cowell thinks he can live on forever too. Like some ancient pharaoh, Simon is preparing, in this world, for the one beyond. Not, for him, though, a mummy's tomb or some Faustian pact with the Devil. When Simon's time comes, he's just going to climb into a Whirlpool freezer... and gracefully close the door.

The only contract he'll be clutching is the one that grants him global, eternal TV rights to his game shows. So, if you or I ever make our way through this world again, no matter when or where, we'll see him still smiling smugly on every screen. Or, at least, that's what recent news reports suggest.

Allegedly, he has even informed the Prime Minister. So he must mean it. Still, though, having seen his horoscope, I wonder. Simon is a Libran. Librans are ambitious for justice. I suspect Simon's future holds forth a far greater role.

Does not the Bible speak of a day when all shall be called to account for their actions? Will there not then be a rather different prime-time judging panel, comprising four hooded horse-riders? Who else is the man to lead them? Repent your sins right now, dear reader - or come the end of days, you too may face the scowl of the Cowell in a cowl!